When People Undermine Everything You Do

Sometime ago, a friend of mine introduced me to someone who asked what I did for a living “I work on an online video series,” I said. It was hard work, it required lots of planning, researching. My friend chimed in, “He’s a blogger,” then giggled. I didn’t quite understand what he meant, but I felt diminished.

 It was the first of what turned out to be a series of confusing, passive-aggressive incidents. You’ve probably been there, too. Maybe it’s your career. Whatever the impetus, most of us have dealt with a friend or family member who seems to enjoy knocking you down a peg. It’s called social undermining, and it may seem harmless enough, but it can take an emotional toll. You start to doubt yourself, you feel a lack of support, and you become resentful.

 Basically, social undermining uses negativity to weaken a person’s goals or successes. You’ll probably notice a few distinctive traits in someone who does this:

• They do it to others: You’re not the only one to take notice.
• You feel defensive around them: You feel defensive, like you have to prove something to them, and you’re not quite sure why.
• They’re judgmental: They like to gossip about the lifestyle choices of other friends or family members. They might disguise gossip and judgment as concern.
• They’re great at backhanded compliments: Their compliments seem oddly insulting.       

 In figuring out how to address social undermining, it helps to first understand why it’s happening. This way, you can pick the best option for dealing with it.

• Be Upfront :  In most situations, communication should be your first line of defense. Your friend, coworker, or boss might not even be aware they’re undermining you to begin with.  

Stop Giving Them Information: Consider keeping your progress, milestones, or successes to yourself if your friend only makes you feel bad about them.