1. Yoga pants. The whole point of yoga pants is that they cling to you(r butt) like a second skin. They’re not comfortable or fun when they get all bunchy and weird. You did not pay a stupid amount of money to wear diaper-chic to yoga.
2. Jeans constantly slide down your body. You’ve tried belting, hemming, holding, and jumping up and down like an asshole and, still, your pants will not stay up. You’ve probably broken the belt loops on at least one pair of jeans from all the times you’ve pulled on them.
3. Squatting makes zero difference. You’ve spent enough time on Jen Selter’s Instagram to know that even if you were to stop everything and squat for a living, you would still never look like that.
4. You conform to the shape of your desk chair. Forget about being exhausted or excited to leave work, by the time you stand up for the day, you are more concerned about the fact that your butt might very well be flatter than it was before.
5. You cannot twerk for shit. Similarly, you cannot back, back, back it up on the dance floor. How does Miley do it 
6a. The timeless classic “Baby Got Back” hurts your soul. You know every single word — not for its brilliance, but for the fact that you have to look busy somehow when the song comes on. Shouting about not getting none unless you got buns, hun, is better than acknowledging it.
6b. You rejoiced when “Rack City” arrived. Until you got to the part that suggested you should wear a poncho if you ain’t got no ass. You don’t want to wear a poncho.
6b. You rejoiced when “Rack City” arrived. Until you got to the part that suggested you should wear a poncho if you ain’t got no ass. You don’t want to wear a poncho.
7. You must buy bathing suits as separates. Bathing suit shopping is so fun, until you realize you have to sort through double the racks to get your mismatching pieces.
8. Riding bikes hurts. The built-in cushion is nice, but basically ineffective without some extra (natural) padding.
9. You can’t sit on anyone’s lap. People complain that “you are just so bony, OMG!” Down you are pushed to the bottom of the clown car that holds you and your friends going to da club. Guess what, I have no extra padding, remember? Ouch.
10. When people who have actual butts say they are jealous of you. I’m really sorry that you’re hating on your wonderful curves. Let me try and twerk real quick to make you feel better.
11. Bubble butt is so much more fun-sounding than pancake butt. Pants don’t slide off a bubble butt. Bubbles are round and fun! That being said, pancakes are delicious and, ultimately, do not go to your ass, so …
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